The anger is building

Slowly but surely I can feel myself getting more and more angry. Angry with people, angry with the world. Recently, we had someone very close to us tell us that we should terminate our pregnancy, and that we are ruining our lives, and tearing our family apart by fighting for Wyatt. I don't think this person was trying to be malicious, and is concerned for our happiness and potential heartache, but I don't agree with the way they handled the situation or the way they forced their unwelcomed opinion on us. I fully respect that everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but like with politics and religion, I don't feel such strong opinions should be pushed onto others. Especially in this case. I just don't think it's right to call someone up and tell them they should terminate their pregnancy. Call me crazy, but that's how I feel. Apparently everyone has decided to just pretend this never happened. No apologies necessary, no talking it out. Let's just all pretend nothing happened and go about our merry ol way. I don't think that's fair to our family. And I don't know if I feel this way because I am mad at the world, upset with life, or if I really feel this strongly about it.

I am trying to be fair. I am trying to realize that we have had a very emotionally draining week and a half, and that my nerves are shot. I really am. I just can't bring myself to tolerate such a scenario like everyone else can I guess. At least not right now. I don't like being angry like this. I want to focus my energy on preparing for Wyatt's arrival. On making his flyers, and doing research on HLHS, and on being the best mom I can be for Austyn. I feel like I am wasting energy being angry and I definitely need to figure out how to shake it.

I am just going to have to come to terms with the fact that some people aren't going to support us and our decisions. And I am going to have to cling to the large army of support we do have for strength. Otherwise, I am going to end up feeling as though I am doing this alone, which is far from true, and takes the much deserved appreciation away from those who are being absolutely amazing.

Since Austyn is on vacation one more night with his grandma, I think I will retire early. Just try to sleep this yukky feeling off. Tomorrow is a new day, and I don't need to let the little things get to me.

A New Normal

This weekend we took Austyn on a camping trip with my dad - in hopes of enjoying a weekend away, and showing Austyn that life can continue on with some of the same things he is used to, even though the past week had been so difficult for our family. We set up our tent, had a camp fire, played at the campground park, skipped rocks into the lake, and DJ and Austyn played laser tag throughout our campsite. We tried to catch lizards, which we failed at, by the way, and we watched prairie dogs run about. Austyn was all smiles and had a wonderful time. 

 DJ and I also had a good time, but were still held back a bit by what we've deemed "our situation" and the remaining sting of the new-ness of Wyatt's HLHS diagnosis. Our first night camping, as we sat around the campfire in the dark, after Austyn had gone to bed, it all just sort of hit me, again. I had to text my best friend, saying that there was just something about sitting around a campfire that made this all really real. Maybe it was the calm, or the quiet, I'm not sure. But it stung, a lot. I had to force myself to remain sitting by the campfire, rather than retreating to bed, to curl up, and wallow. But, it was good for me I think. It forced me to deal. It forced me to think about the things I don't really want to think about, the things that really hurt.

The next day was better, although WINDY! We took Austyn to the park, to let him play on the monkey bars and slides. As we sat on the park bench watching him and all the other kids playing, I started imagining that maybe these kids were born with some sort of congenital defect, too. Maybe one of these kids running around, laughing, playing with his friends, also had a scar from heart surgery. Maybe one of these kids had a rough start at life, and was now thriving. It's not as if I was hoping one of these kids had had to go through something like that, I was just trying to imagine Wyatt, playing like any normal kid. This helped me tremendously. We then saw that one of our neighboring campers was a couple, with two children. One of them was probably 11 or so, and the other 3 or 4. This allowed me to picture our family, camping one day, all 4 of us. It was very uplifting. 

At this point I feel like we are just trying to write, and live, our new normal. There was a "normal" that went along with our lives that we knew before. As of May 22nd, we have new "normal", and while this new normal is still a really big pill to swallow, and still really hurts, I like to think it is a normal that at some point will seem like the only normal we've ever known. And it will feel good. I don't like to think of the addition of HLHS to our family as something that is going to "ruin" our lives, because that's just really nasty and negative, and isn't anything we need. I refuse to say "life is going to suck" or anything of the like, because it's not. We are going to have two amazing, beautiful, perfect sons. We are going to have two little boys who can always bring a smile to our faces, two little boys who mean the world to us, and one more person to add to our already HUGE amount of love for our family. How in the world could I say "that sucks"?! Our lives are just going to be different. Our day to day is going to consist of thoughts and activities that we are not currently used to. Yes, there are going to be really hard days, weeks, even months. But hard doesn't automatically equal "suck" as far as I am concerned. 

I've been doing everything I can to stay positive. I have been searching online for stories about other kids with HLHS, and reading their success stories. Playing with Austyn has been KEY. I don't think there is a better therapy for me than just seeing that little boy happy and smiling, and imagining Wyatt doing the same. DJ and I have been really good about keeping our communication open, which is amazing as well. And I've just been trying to take it easy. Trying not to push myself to do too much, to let the little things go. It's all been helping a ton, and I have to keep going down this path to remain mentally stable, and available, for both myself and my family. I am thankful for the support we have, and honestly, for this blog. I have no idea if anyone even reads this stuff, but it's a wonderful outlet for my thoughts. 

With that, I end with a smile. 

 

Thinking of you

It is my first day back at work after finding out about your heart, and it is taking everything I've got to focus on my tasks rather than on you, little one. There is a tremendous army of support growing for you Wyatt, everyone wants to help. Daddy and I will lead this army, and we will all work as hard as we can to give you everything you need, and then some. In the mean time, you should just sit back and relax, I think. Keep doing those somersaults you were doing, keep stretching those long ol' legs of yours, and keep on growing! 


I love you more than life itself, buddy. And I promise to spend forever showing you that. 

I can not wait to tickle these toes, and kiss these little feet. Well, I should say big feet. You are definitely your daddy's son....you have some huge feet!

And here you are. I look at this picture probably 100 times a day. Daddy and I will get to see you again tomorrow, and I hope that you can hear us, and Austyn, telling you we love you each and every day. 

The Unimaginable

I am a pretty typical working mom. I am an accountant for a company in Commerce City (not one of those fancy shmancy accountants who makes a trillion dollars a year - but its a job, and it pays the bills). When I am not working, I am taking care of a household, playing, reading stories, giving baths, cooking dinner, toting my child from here to there, the works. DJ, my husband, is a pretty typical working dad. He is a receiving coordinator for a company in Englewood. When he is not working, he is doing the above mentioned parenting tasks, or is attending night school, furthering his dreams of being a police officer. Austyn, our almost - 6 year old - is a pretty typical little boy. He just finished Kindergarten, and when he is not in school, he is playing with us, being rambunctious, reading stories, practicing writing, playing with friends, watching movies...all those things that young children love to do. We abide by the law, we pay our taxes, we try to be upstanding citizens, and try even harder to be the best parents we can be. We are, for all intensive purposes, a normal family. Or so we thought.

I am currently 20 weeks pregnant with our second child. We tried to get pregnant for over a year, and were over-joyed when we finally got that positive pregnancy test. We found out we were pregnant two days before my 24th birthday. That was the single most amazing birthday present I could have ever received! Almost instantly, we were planning a baby shower, and a nursery, and choosing outfits, and strollers and car seats. The past 20 weeks have been so much fun! Ok...minus the morning sickness, and the inability to sleep, and all those other fun pregnancy induced "side effects". 

2 days ago, it was finally time for our 20 week appointment. We were finally going to find out if we are having a boy or a girl, and we were finally going to see the baby again. We planned ahead, we took the time off of work, and the 3 of us headed to the OB's office. We watched our baby move, and stretch, and even do somersaults. We watched as the ultrasound technician measured our baby, finding that our baby was growing just perfectly. And then.....we watched as our technician pointed out....it's a BOY! Austyn was SO excited that he is going to have a little brother. He said "I was right...I knew it was a brother". And then, the ultrasound tech got really quiet. She spent a long time watching Wyatt's heart. She took a lot of pictures. Then, she said she was all done. She said "I am having a hard time getting a picture of the 4th ventricle, so don't be surprised if the doctor sends you to a specialist. I don't want you to be alarmed, they just have better tools than we have."

We met with our OB. She explained that Wyatt's heart did not form correctly, and she was sending us to a pediatric cardiologist ASAP. She gave us a few more details, none of which really mattered, and none of which are important now. I was a sobbing, blubbering mess. I was trying to take in what she had to say, but all I could do was sob. Poor Austyn didn't understand what was going on. DJ was trying as hard as possible to be our rock. To be strong for Austyn, and for me. Our OB suggested we drop Austyn off somewhere, as she assumed we would not be hearing good news the rest of the day, and it would be best if Austyn was not there to witness it. So we did just that.

Then, it was off to the cardiologists office. We had a fetal echo cardiogram. We sat in a dark room, while yet another ultrasound tech took tons of pictures of Wyatt's heart, and didn't say a word. We just sat there silently, holding hands, trying to figure out what it was we were seeing on this screen, and what it meant. We met with the cardiologist, who had reviewed all those pictures and videos that the ultrasound tech took. 

And then it happened. The single worst moment of our lives. The cardiologist said "Your baby has a rare congenital heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome". He confirmed what our OB thought might be going on. He confirmed that Wyatt's left ventricle of his heart simply never formed. He told us that our baby is not medically perfect. That our baby is sick. That OUR BABY has a HEART DEFECT. I had to repeat this to myself hundreds of times, just to make it real. "MY baby has a heart defect...MY baby".

In that instant, we went from being a "normal" family, to being one of those families you read about online, or see on TV. We became that family that has that one horrendous, unimaginable thing, happened to. And now we've got to find out how to deal with it.