A New Normal

This weekend we took Austyn on a camping trip with my dad - in hopes of enjoying a weekend away, and showing Austyn that life can continue on with some of the same things he is used to, even though the past week had been so difficult for our family. We set up our tent, had a camp fire, played at the campground park, skipped rocks into the lake, and DJ and Austyn played laser tag throughout our campsite. We tried to catch lizards, which we failed at, by the way, and we watched prairie dogs run about. Austyn was all smiles and had a wonderful time. 

 DJ and I also had a good time, but were still held back a bit by what we've deemed "our situation" and the remaining sting of the new-ness of Wyatt's HLHS diagnosis. Our first night camping, as we sat around the campfire in the dark, after Austyn had gone to bed, it all just sort of hit me, again. I had to text my best friend, saying that there was just something about sitting around a campfire that made this all really real. Maybe it was the calm, or the quiet, I'm not sure. But it stung, a lot. I had to force myself to remain sitting by the campfire, rather than retreating to bed, to curl up, and wallow. But, it was good for me I think. It forced me to deal. It forced me to think about the things I don't really want to think about, the things that really hurt.

The next day was better, although WINDY! We took Austyn to the park, to let him play on the monkey bars and slides. As we sat on the park bench watching him and all the other kids playing, I started imagining that maybe these kids were born with some sort of congenital defect, too. Maybe one of these kids running around, laughing, playing with his friends, also had a scar from heart surgery. Maybe one of these kids had a rough start at life, and was now thriving. It's not as if I was hoping one of these kids had had to go through something like that, I was just trying to imagine Wyatt, playing like any normal kid. This helped me tremendously. We then saw that one of our neighboring campers was a couple, with two children. One of them was probably 11 or so, and the other 3 or 4. This allowed me to picture our family, camping one day, all 4 of us. It was very uplifting. 

At this point I feel like we are just trying to write, and live, our new normal. There was a "normal" that went along with our lives that we knew before. As of May 22nd, we have new "normal", and while this new normal is still a really big pill to swallow, and still really hurts, I like to think it is a normal that at some point will seem like the only normal we've ever known. And it will feel good. I don't like to think of the addition of HLHS to our family as something that is going to "ruin" our lives, because that's just really nasty and negative, and isn't anything we need. I refuse to say "life is going to suck" or anything of the like, because it's not. We are going to have two amazing, beautiful, perfect sons. We are going to have two little boys who can always bring a smile to our faces, two little boys who mean the world to us, and one more person to add to our already HUGE amount of love for our family. How in the world could I say "that sucks"?! Our lives are just going to be different. Our day to day is going to consist of thoughts and activities that we are not currently used to. Yes, there are going to be really hard days, weeks, even months. But hard doesn't automatically equal "suck" as far as I am concerned. 

I've been doing everything I can to stay positive. I have been searching online for stories about other kids with HLHS, and reading their success stories. Playing with Austyn has been KEY. I don't think there is a better therapy for me than just seeing that little boy happy and smiling, and imagining Wyatt doing the same. DJ and I have been really good about keeping our communication open, which is amazing as well. And I've just been trying to take it easy. Trying not to push myself to do too much, to let the little things go. It's all been helping a ton, and I have to keep going down this path to remain mentally stable, and available, for both myself and my family. I am thankful for the support we have, and honestly, for this blog. I have no idea if anyone even reads this stuff, but it's a wonderful outlet for my thoughts. 

With that, I end with a smile.