10 days old

There is a part of me that can't believe Wyatt is already 10 days old, and another part of me that can't believe he is only 10 days old. Of course, the part of me that can't believe he is only 10 days old is probably the part of me that has been playing the role of the over-protective, worried, stressed out Mom.

We have only just begun this journey with Wyatt, and it has been so much harder than I expected. Once he was born and taken to the NICU, the worry was instantly 100x greater than I had imagined. We had some great days during his NICU stay, and some perfect, priceless moments like the first time we got to hold him when he was 3 days old, or when Austyn got to meet his baby brother. And then the day of surgery came, and the fear was so powerful. I expected to be scared and stressed, but did not expect it to feel like that. And now that we're 4 days post op- I worry all the time. I worry about every number on the screen. I worry about upcoming hurdles; extubation, eating by mouth. I worry that he's holding his arm up funny, or that he moved weird, or whatever.

But, most of all, I look forward to getting past all these hurdles and going home. I look forward to having our family of 4 finally complete, and at home, where we can all be together each night. Being home will also mean, however, that Wyatt's Glenn procedure will be closer, that we will have to face the stress and fear of the OR again. That we will have to go through more nights of feeling guilty for being at the hospital, and feeling guilty for being home. Thankfully, with the Glenn comes some peace of mind, as all my research has shown that after the Glenn, HLHS kids are far more steady.

I so wish there was a way for me to make this all go away, make it so Wyatt doesn't have to go through all this. Make it so we don't have to hurt, as his parents, his brother, his family, his friends. But I can't. If I could, I would.