Home

We got home around 5:15 last night. The drive from the hospital was the longest drive ever, in my brain. I couldnt wait to get home and put the pulse ox on Wyatt and make sure his sats and pulse were okay. The first night home was amazing. It was so good to be home, and to see both of our boys finally interacting. It was double good to crawl into bed with DJ, and be able to cuddle as we fell asleep. It was also nice to be together for the middle of the night feedings, even though we didn't say much to eachother (who has much to say in the middle of the night?), it was nice to not be alone.

This morning after DJ took Austyn to school, I went to the grocery store. We needed some basic groceries, and some infant Tylenol, and a LOT of disinfectants. I literally spent $50 on soap and Lysol. We bought three of those Lysol no touch hand soap dispensers, some dish soap that's supposed to be gentle on our hands, Lysol wipes, etc. We have to be EXTRA careful with any sicknesses that could come into the house, especially with Austyn in school, so anything we can do to make hand washing easier and more routine, and keep things in the house cleaner and germ free, great.

And while life at home has been great, I am still adjusting to the constant, overwhelming paranoia. We had to take Wyatt to the pediatrician today, and the lighting in the office made it so very apparent that his color isn't "normal", and then I absolutely couldnt wait to get home to check his O2 sats. He was sating at 80% when we got home, by the way. Im paranoid about his vitals, and about his color. I'm paranoid every time he cries, every time he's sleeping, every time he's awake. I'm paranoid about visitors, about leaving the house, about sleeping. Im sure that in time, things will be more normal, and I won't be completely freaked out. But, in the mean time, I even take it so far as to put my finger under his nose, just so I can feel that he is breathing.

It makes me wonder if the fear will ever really go away. Am I going to spend the rest of my life scared shitless that something is going to happen to Wyatt? Will I have these thoughts each and every day? Is there a balance between understanding the reality that HLHS could win the battle at any time, and being overly worried and paranoid? And, while finding that balance, will it be possible to be a pseudo- normal mom to the boys without wrapping them in bubble wrap to keep them safe?

It's like no matter what stage were in in this journey, there are more obstacles and hurdles to overcome. I guess eventually the consistent struggle will just be normal. And in the mean time, I will just enjoy the sweet little boys in my house, and make memories with them every day, and enjoy our family.