But along with that new normal comes all these new pangs of guilt. We have set care times where we are allowed to be more involved in Wyatt's care, and they are every 4 hours. When we go down for care times, we generally spend about an hour with him, and then let him rest. We feel so guilty for not being next to his side at all times, but at the same time we feel like we should leave him be, so he can sleep and rest and get as strong as possible. They are going to discharge me from the hospital come Monday, and we don't want to be away from Wyatt, so we are going to see if we can board at the hospital, in order to be closer to Wyatt until he has his surgery and gets transferred to the PICU. But then I feel guilty that we won't be home with Austyn. I know that this whole situation is difficult for him, too, and I so badly want to be home with him laughing and playing. But I can't imagine not being next to Wyatt through this entire experience. I sort of feel like no matter what I do, I'm not doing the "right" thing. It is so frustrating and heart breaking to know that I can't fully be the mom both boys need me to be, simultaneously.
I think Austyn is going to come visit us tomorrow and I am SO excited to see him! We talked to him on the phone today and he sounded so grown up, so big. Im sure that's partially because we've been spending so much time with his baby brother, but still. My little guy just doesn't seem so little anymore. I can't wait to hug and kiss him and love him when he comes to visit. We may also be able to take him to meet Wyatt for the first time, which will be great, and will be the first time we will be together as a family of 4.
All the anger and resentment I thought I had gotten rid of has returned in the past 2 days. It's hard not to be jealous of the families who's babies are healthy, who get to keep their babies in their hospital rooms with them. It's hard not to hate life for handing us such a shitty deck of cards. But as I say that, I also think that without these cards, we wouldn't have Wyatt. We wouldn't have this beautiful boy that we love so much. The boy who loves to hold our hands and have his head rubbed. Who smiles his 2 day old smile, with his little monkey toes, and his perfect little face. Who coos and looks up at us with his cloudy brand new eyes. Just starting this part of our journey makes it hard not to resent that we don't get to take our perfect little baby home tomorrow like all those other families get to do.
In all, I would say we are doing well. The days go by fast between being with Wyatt, and pumping, and trying to give myself the rest my body needs, and all the amazing people who come to visit us. Wyatt is doing so much better than we had anticipated, which has allowed us this great time to just bond with him and love him before his surgery next week. DJ and I's relationship is still very strong, and our communication about the entire situation has been great. He has definitely earned husband of the year award taking care of me while I heal from my C-Section, and helping to make sure I take care of myself, not just Wyatt. He also, of course, gets the Daddy of the year award for being so awesome to both Austyn and Wyatt, and for being so strong for them both.
I dread surgery next week, and seeing Wyatt with so many tubes, and intubated, and trying to recover. I dread having to put Austyn through that, and having to be away from home even longer. But I have to focus on the now, and be thankful that Wyatt is doing well, and that Austyn is a happy, healthy 6 year old. I have to deal with each bump in the road as it comes, rather than trying to deal with the future bumps early.
I love my family SO much! And I am going to do whatever I have to do to keep us ALL happy, safe, and healthy.
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