Patience is a virtue

Today I am 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant. In the 6 years between my pregnancy with Austyn and this pregnancy, it seems I had forgotten just how miserable the end of pregnancy is. Since I know this is my last pregnancy, I am trying to enjoy it, trying to enjoy every bout of hiccups, every kick, every punch. But, I am still miserable. I think I've outgrown myself at this point, and I feel stretched to the max. Thankfully, I've been sleeping a little bit better, so that has been helpful.

While my body is oh-so-ready for this pregnancy to be over, my brain is not. Just last night it suddenly hit me, again, that in 12 short days Wyatt will be here. We will be in the throws of having an HLHS baby. We will be practically living in the hospital. I will not have a job. And we can't even begin to fathom the thoughts and emotions we are going to have to process.

Again, I am back to that point where the only thing I can say is "it isn't fair". Why does my baby have to have a heart defect? Why does my family have to go through this? Why can't we be like the millions of families out there who go to the hospital, deliver a healthy baby, and go home a few days later? Why do we have to suffer? None of it seems fair, not even a little bit. I know, I know, life isn't fair, Sahra.

So, I am torn. I am torn between being super anxious and excited to meet the infamous Mr. Wyatt, and being utterly terrified. I can't wait to see him, to touch him, to kiss him. But at the same time, I am not even guaranteed to be able to hold him before surgery. Our cardiologist anticipates we will be able to, and highly advocates for it, but he doesn't make that decision in the end.

DJ and I are going to be fighting a daily battle against our sanity, and our mental stability. I know we are going to struggle to feel like we are good parents, because we can't both be there 100% of the time for both boys simultaneously. I wish there was a way I could be at Wyatt's side at all times, and at home with Austyn to laugh and play and make dinner and help with homework, etc. But it's just not possible. I just have to keep telling myself that I would be at Austyns side if he were to be in the hospital, and that is exactly what I am doing for Wyatt.

As the time gets closer, it all gets more and more real each day. I have imagined the morning of our C-Section probably 100 times. I can picture waking up, taking a shower, getting ready, leaving the house, and driving to the hospital. I can even picture checking in, getting IV's put in, putting on the hospital gown. And that's where it ends. Because I don't know what to expect. Not only have I never had a C-Section before, but I just don't know how we're actually going to feel in those moments. Will we be excited? Nervous? Relieved that this is all finally beginning? I have no idea.

12 more days I have to live in this world of unknowns, before a whole new world of unknowns begins. 12 days.