Fading Away

Lately, I can't help but feel like Wyatt's diagnosis is just fading away in people's minds. When we first found out, it seemed that those who are close to us felt it was just as important as we felt it was. But now, a day shy of 3 weeks later, everyone seems to have moved on with life. Which, I understand, to a point. I understand that everyone has their own lives and that our problems and worries are not their problems and worries. I understand that while Wyatt's diagnosis was a shock to everyone, and saddened many people, most of those people really don't have to worry about it. That is our burden to carry. But as time continues, it seems even people's expectations of how I act, or how I carry myself, or the plans I make, etc. should reflect that Wyatt's diagnosis just faded away. 

One of DJ's friends called this evening and asked how we were doing. DJ told him that we are "doing good" and that once we got past the shock of Wyatt's diagnosis, things have been better. I can only semi-agree with this. It is a bit better now that the news has settled its way into our lives, but I don't know that I can say I am doing well with it. I think as the shock turned into normal thoughts, the unknowns and questions, the wondering...they all took over. I have said before that it sort of bothers me when people say "there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of....." when they are talking about a loved one who passed away years ago, or something - because I feel it is unrealistic to have done so. I can legitimately say that there hasn't been a single day that has gone by that I haven't thought about Wyatt, and his diagnosis, and how it relates to our lives. 

I just find myself wondering now if this is all just going to fade away for everyone, while we are still in the throws of dealing with it. People seem to already expect us to make plans like we used to, without regard to cost (we are trying to cut back costs now to start to be more financially prepared for our upcoming and current medical bills), or without regard to our future (making plans for a few weeks before Wyatt's due date, when we really don't know when he will come, and now have to be VERY prepared for that). Are people just somehow going to start believing that Wyatt is just another baby who is going to be born, and come home just a few days later? And more importantly, are people going to be expecting me to carry myself in that manner? While I don't expect anyone to understand how we feel, or what we are going through, I do expect them to be understanding to the fact that our lives and our thoughts just don't mimic theirs.

I took Austyn to watch a little league baseball championship this weekend, as he just started T-Ball. While we were there, there were many toddlers who's big brothers were playing ball. My first thought was: "Man, I wonder what it is going to be like taking Austyn to all his games and having a toddler to deal with on top of it".....then about .2 second later my thought was: "Man, we aren't just going to have any toddler. Our toddler could need medical attention, tubes, oxygen...who knows". And while I am SO excited to see how Austyn does in baseball, to see how he progresses, if he comes to love it, if he is a great ball player, I am terrified of trying to be that supportive, cheering, at every game and every practice Baseball mom I want to be, while being an HLHS mom. Just like I am terrified of being a 6 year old 1st graders mom and simultaneously being a HLHS infant's mom. I do know that we have support, and people to help us, but these are things I feel like I am supposed to be doing, as these boys Mom, and I know that it just isn't feasible for me to do ALL of those things at once, at least not at first.  


I can say that the past few days have been good. Probably some of the best few days we've had since hearing Wyatt's diagnosis. Friday, Austyn and I spent the afternoon at the pool with my Dad, and then we had a pretty relaxing evening. Saturday, we went to Austyn's first T-Ball practice, then met an old friend and her sons at the pool for some catch up/swim time. Then it was out to dinner and for ice cream! Sunday, we spent the entire day at the baseball tournament, where Austyn had an absolute blast. But I still feel emotionally and mentally spent. I am exhausted. Inside and out. I think my exhaustion today is helping to leave me feeling melancholy, like there is no wind in my sails. It's just one of those days where I would give absolutely anything to turn back time, and somehow change the events of our 20 week ultrasound - making things go the way we had imagined, rather than the way they went. One of those days where even though I know that there is nothing I can do to change the status of Wyatt's heart, I sure do wish there was.