Trailing Thoughts

I have a mousepad on my desk at work, that has Austyn's annual pictures from his 1 year old picture to his Kindergarten picture. There are many times when I am at work, I will look at it and just smile, thinking about him. Today, I found myself looking at the picture from when he was one. He is laying on his tummy, with his arms crossed in front of him, smiling a lil baby smile. This led me to think about Wyatt...I wonder if he will be able to lay on his stomach for pictures, or maybe he won't be able to. But there isn't a part of me that thinks he won't have those 1 year pictures taken, just like Austyn did. I can't decide if this is good or bad. 


I am unsure if I am hopelessly optimistic, or if I just haven't come to terms with reality. I tend to live in this little bubble of happy that tells me that we are facing hard times, and that the times will surely be harder than we are imagining, but that everything is going to be okay. I don't know if this is a "gut feeling" or denial, to be honest.


The entirety of this pregnancy, I have been a paranoid mess. I thought I was paranoid about Wyatt because I spent so much time on the bump's forums while we were trying to get pregnant, and I read so many stories about women who couldn't get pregnant, or had multiple miscarriages, etc. I figured I had just freaked myself out. After we got Wyatt's diagnosis, I wondered if my body knew something was wrong and was trying to tell me.  Was that all just a huge "gut feeling" that I didn't listen close enough to? Am I experiencing a new "gut feeling" now, or am I just refusing to face the harsh realities of the HLHS diagnosis. 


I have "liked" multiple heart defect awareness groups on Facebook, so any time they share someone's story, it shows up on my news feed. Some days, these are really triumphant stories, and some days they are heart wrenching stories. As hard as some of them are to read - I think this is good for me. I think it forces me to see what a lot of the possible outcomes of surgery are, rather than just living in my happy bubble all the time. I told DJ I plan to continue reading these, so I don't spend the rest of the pregnancy with a "everything is going to be fine" attitude, and then hit a brick wall head on at the first sight of any complications. 


I guess in the end, I just don't know how to feel. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. It's as if I'm at a loss - all the time. There are still many moments when it doesn't seem real - it can't be true that this is all happening in MY life, can it? Of course, I now quickly come back to reality in those moments. 


Little Wyatt- Daddy, Austyn, and I love you SO much it hurts. We are so excited to meet you when you are ready to meet us, and we can't wait to snuggle you, and kiss you. Although, big brother isn't real fond of the idea of kissing my belly while you're in there. :)  Daddy loves to give you kisses though, and I would if I could reach. I wish I could do this all for you, and go through it all rather than you. But I will be right here, next to you, every step of the way. We have so many friends and family members who love us and support us, and they will all be there too. We love you to the moon and back, and always will. I hope that as you grow up, you come to learn that. You just kicked - you must know I am thinking about you :). I love you little bubba, so so much!