Fear

I  think my fear has finally kicked in and taken over. In the past few days, I just haven't been able to shake the sinking feeling in my stomach. There are so many things that we don't know, so many unknowns, so many things to be afraid of. 


What if Wyatt's heart is so underdeveloped he can't even have the 3 step surgeries? How hard is it going to be if we can't even hold our own son before he undergoes his first surgery, which there is no guarantee he will survive? How are we going to keep Austyn's life happy and positive and normal through all this? How are we going to be there every step of the way for Wyatt, and be there for Austyn, all the time? What if we don't get any help? How bad is this actually going to hurt, emotionally? How is this all going to affect our marriage? How do we stay sane, and keep Austyn from feeling hurt, or neglected, or left out? How do we shield Austyn from the pain of the situation? How do we protect Wyatt? Are we making the best possible choice by staying in Denver and delivering at P/SL? 


The list goes on and on. And I am not even thinking about the difficulties we will go through regarding the change in our lives, the sacrifices that will need to be made, the new normal we will have to grow to know. While these things do matter, I feel like in the grand scheme, they are un-important. 


I am terrified. I am worried that I am not strong enough for this, that I can't be the rock my family needs me to be. Already, the pressure is mounting. I feel guilt because I won't be working, so I won't be helping with food or bills or any of those necessities. I feel guilt because I won't be able to put Austyn to bed each and every night, and kiss him goodbye each and every morning for a while. I feel guilt because I won't be able to be there every day to hear about school, and help with homework, and do bathtime. I feel guilt that the financial burdens fall on DJ. I am worried that we will have to move, and that Austyn's world will no longer be as he knows it. I feel like there are 600,000 more things I should be doing to get us "ready" for all this, but I have absolutely no idea what those things are.


And at the same time, the pressure is tremendous. I feel alone - like I alone am to get our blog, and Wyatt's facebook page, and flyers out there. Like I am supposed to do all the research, all the learning. Be the one spending hours on the internet looking things up that I never imagined I'd need to know. Whether or not these are warranted feelings, they are there. And I feel like I am failing. It has only been a month since we received Wyatt's diagnosis, I realize, but I feel like I should be doing a better job at this somehow. I should be a bigger advocate. And all the while, I should be providing Austyn with as much fun and love as possible. I should be hiding my fear, and my pain from him, so he can continue being a happy, carefree 6 year old. I should be protecting him from the world I couldn't protect Wyatt from. 


How the hell am I going to do this? I am trying to stay positive - realize that we have support, we have each other, we have a roof over our heads, food in the fridge, and activities on the calendar. We have smiles and laughter. We have love. But the pain is so tremendous, it is hard to let these positives take over. It is hard not to focus on the hard parts - the painful parts - because they are very, very real. 


I really hope these feelings start to subside soon. I am exhausted. I need a mental break, and I don't know that I am going to get one. Maybe we will see our OB on Friday, and seeing Wyatt kick and turn and move his little arms and hands will help. Hopefully.