Another brick wall

The past month or so, I would say that our lives have been fairly 'normal'. We seem to have found a bit of comfort, and honestly, I think we started letting ourselves believe that even though Wyatt has HLHS, he is going to have some surgery, and then everything is going to be fine. We have had our days where we get extremely scared, but for the most part, we have been pretty good.


On Monday, we learned that little baby Logan lost his battle with HLHS. He was one day away from his scheduled Glenn procedure. The moment I read his mom's facebook update, I think I got about 7 words in to her status, said "oh god", and went outside and cried. Once I had regained my composure, I came back and read the entire status. My heart broke instantly upon reading it. It broke for Amanda, (Logan's mom) and Chris (Logan's Dad) and it broke for me and my family as well. Seeing one of the kids we were closely following lose his battle with this CHD made it OH SO REAL that this is reality. This is something that can happen to anyone with HLHS, and it could happen to us. We spent the entire day in a quiet, somber, yukky mood. We are now back to being absolutely terrified. I instantly went back to that surreal feeling I had in the beginning, where I am having a hard time realizing this is actually my life, not something I am reading about online or seeing on TV. It is my son who has HLHS, my son who has to start life struggling, and my son, who may not make it. 


It is a nasty pill to swallow. All of it. I ache so much for Logan's family. I can't imagine the pain they are feeling right now, and I can't imagine how that morning transpired for them. I hope it is something I will never be able to relate to, but I have to face the ugly reality that we may be able to relate completely someday. 


I hate this. I hate all of it. I hate that we couldn't spend this pregnancy excited, and looking forward to meeting Wyatt. I hate that we have had to spend each and every day being scared. I hate that with about 9 weeks of pregnancy left, I am torn between being able to finally see my beautiful boy, and being terrified of what is to come. I hate that this hurts. I hate that this hurts my family, and my friends, and those around me. I often wonder what it is that we did wrong, why do we deserve this? We tried for SO long to get pregnant. We wanted Wyatt  SO badly. I cried the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test. DJ cried the moment he heard Wyatt's heartbeat. Austyn was thrilled to find out he was having a little brother rather than a little sister. And then, just like that, life slapped us in the face. Hard. How is that fair? How is it fair to any heart family out there? To any kid who has to face anything like this? 


Our house is full of Wyatt's things. He has absolutely everything he needs to join our family. And every time I see his things, they make me smile, and they make me want to cry. What if we don't need all those things? I can't imagine coming home, and looking at them, knowing that Wyatt will never use them. And I hate that that is something I even have to consider.


I don't know what I have to do, what I have to think, or say, to make Wyatt strong enough to get through this. I don't know how to help. But, whatever it is that I need to do, I am more than willing to do it. I just want to watch my boy grow up big and strong like his big brother. I want to watch him learn, and grow, and talk, and walk, and play, and love. Please, let us witness these things in his life, and let him live a long, happy life. Please.