It's getting harder

As the time gets closer and closer, my coping with all of this is getting harder and harder. When Wyatt was first diagnosed, it was an extremely large pill to swallow. It took days of me repeating to myself "My baby has a heart defect" for it to be real, for me to realize it was truly something that was affecting my life. 

Somehow, in the past 14 weeks, it has become a bit easier to deal with. Seeing doctors so regularly, talking about HLHS, the Norwood procedure, lengthy hospital stays, etc. has all become much easier. Routine even. We have had multiple people tell us "you are so calm about this". And I think that is because even though we were speaking the words, even though we were talking about it all, we weren't really acknowledging it. But now that we are only weeks away from his birth, and are worried about his deceling, and continue to worry about the fluid levels, it's unavoidable. 

It is getting hard to focus on every day things. It is getting hard to be motivated at work, to want to do simple tasks, just like at the beginning. I so wish that we were just waiting for our baby to be born, waiting to have a 2-3 day hospital stay, and then waiting to come home, like most people do. Instead, we are stressing about his birth, his health, his surgery, his hospital stay, bouncing back and forth between the hospital and home, keeping things semi-normal for Austyn, staying calm in front of Austyn, the money problems that will arise....everything. DJ has started having a hard time sleeping; most likely due to stress. I imagine that will only get worse for us both. 

This morning, I thought to myself "Ok, a full day at work today, a short day tomorrow because of the doctor's appointment, Wednesday and Thursday are full days, and then a short day Friday because of the doc appointment, and then we have a three day weekend". And then I realized, that while I am counting down the days each week until the weekend, that is also making the start of this roller coaster closer and closer.

I am absolutely, utterly terrified. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to prepare. I feel like there is something else I could be doing for my boys, and I have no idea what that is. None of this is fair. No one should have to have these feelings. Not even 1 in 10,000. It just doesn't seem right. And, there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do will change the facts, nothing will make it easier, nothing will make it simpler.