We just can't catch a break

We went back to the OB this morning, for another Biophysical Profile. After Tuesday's appointment, and my AFI being up in the 11's, I was feeling good about today's appointment, thinking all would be just fine.

Turns out, I was wrong. My AFI has plummeted down to a 6.9 or so. According to my OB, this is still a tolerable level, but we don't have much room to spare. If we get down into the 5's, she said she is going to hospitalize me, for IV fluids and pool treatments multiple times per day. Worst case scenario, if my AFI were to drop down into the 3's or lower, she would be forced to deliver Wyatt, as remaining in utero would be unsafe for him. She said even though we need to keep him in there as long as possible so he can grow and develop, and have time for lung development, it would be more risky to leave him in at that point than it would be to take him out.

The implications of this scenario are absolutely HUGE all around:

a) Of course, the bigger and strong Wyatt is at birth, the better he is expected to tolerate the Norwood procedure after birth. So the earlier he comes, the more at risk he is for breathing problems and complications before, during, and after surgery.

b) My one year anniversary at my job isn't until October 3rd. That means that until October 3rd, they are not required to give me an FMLA leave (the modern day 'maternity' leave). If I can't take an FMLA leave, that means my employer is no longer providing me with health insurance, and it means that I cannot claim short term disability, which provides 60% of my income for a short term period. This can mean that we could have MUCH higher medical bills for Wyatt's delivery and for my hospital stay, and that we will completely lose my income much sooner than we'd like. (Obviously, we would like to not lose my income at all). If I can't stay out of the hospital for at least another 2 weeks, all of this will happen.

c) I feel like it is my sole responsibility to make this situation better. Like there is something I can do that will fix it, plain and simple. But, there isn't. The only thing I can do is sit on the couch, and do nothing, and make sure I am drinking crap tons of water. All the while, stressing about something I can't control.

We thought I had finally made some improvements with my AFI, and now I feel like we are even more defeated. My current AFI is even lower than we've ever seen it, despite the fact that other than working at my desk job, I sit on the couch, or lay in the bath reading. It is Labor Day weekend, and I will be spending the entire weekend on my couch, doing next to nothing, trying to make my AFI better. I think this might be the first time I've ever been a bit sad about having a 3 day weekend. 

My OB has been semi - optimistic that Wyatt would turn, and position himself head down so he could be born vaginally. After seeing how low my AFI was today, she said she has lost all confidence that he will turn. DJ and I both have pretty much come to terms with the fact that Wyatt will be born via C-Section, and neither of us felt like he would turn. So, we aren't super disappointed with this fact.  

This weekend, I am going to have DJ pack hospital bags, both for us, and for Austyn. That way, we have a bag that is ready to take to the hospital, and Austyn has a bag that is ready for him to take to Grandma's or Grandpa's. I am not sure what else I can do to prepare us, and I really don't think there is anything else. We are beginning to reach the starting line of this 'adventure' and the closer we get to it, the more terrified I am.

Every day, I hope with every ounce of my being, that all the doctors have been wrong. That there is nothing wrong with Wyatt. That he will be born, and they will check his heart, and it will be totally fine. That we will spend our few days in the hospital, and then we will all come home, to be a happy family of 4, just like we were supposed to. And every part of me knows that this is an impossible situation, yet, I cling to it. The closer Wyatt's birth gets, the more real the entire situation becomes. I have learned I don't like real. I don't like terrifying. I have been pretty okay for the past month, maybe even two. But as the time gets closer, I can feel myself slipping. It won't be long before we are not even close to okay. And there is nothing we can do to change that.